28 November 2014

Kindly Keep Your Minions Under Control

Champagne ad, c1948, $38

Well yes, it’s been a while between blogs.  But lately I’ve been writing for newspapers and magazines, and I’m making some headway with that.  Though I must say, I have come to hate Sub-Editors.  Most Editors seem reasonable but their evil Minions, the Sub-Editors, like to change my pearls of wisdom just for the sake of change (I reckon).

Can you imagine changing a single word I write?  No, of course you can’t.  That’s why you’ll never be a Minion.

Some years ago, when I ran the Australian Consulate in the UK, every month I wrote a two-page spread in a British newspaper answering Letters to the Editor on immigration matters – general Australian policy and individual cases.  I got to be all Judge Judy with everyone who was plain silly or outright lying and it was quite cathartic.  That’s when I learned how much the English like a good spanking, even if only a literary spanking.

The deal I had with the British Editor was that he would fend off his Minions, and not a single word I wrote could be changed.  And seeing how he wanted me more than I wanted him, he agreed to my terms.  
Perfume ad, c1965, $20
But I’m finding that Australian Editors (and their Minions) are less indulgent of my rabbiting on.  So lucky I have youse guys, who indulge me at every turn.

As for Life In General, things have gone on as usual.  The November Collectorama antiques and collectors fair was hugely successful, so it’s good I wasn’t planning to write about it because I was too busy selling stuff.  And keeping hydrated with iced-water because it was hot, hot, hot. 

This time there was only one bloggable customer, who strode into my stand with a big t-shirt proclaiming “L’amour is the answer”. 

Ah, I said, let me guess that you’re a Francophile.  A wot? she said.  A person who likes all things French, I explained.  Why would you say that? she asked.  Because of your t-shirt, I said.  She looked at me blankly.  L’amour is the answer, I said.  She got more bovine by the second.  Love is the answer, I said, Your t-shirt says Love is the answer.  L’amour is French for “love”.

Really?  Is that what it says? she asked.  My daughter gave me this t-shirt and I never knew what it said.  Lucky it doesn’t say “get stuffed the lot of you” then, I laughed. 

Alcohol ad, c1953, $25
Fancy wearing a t-shirt saying something you don’t understand.  It makes me think of those numpties who believe they’re getting a profound Chinese proverb tattooed on their bicep, when it really says I Am A Numptie and they don’t know because they can’t read Mandarin.  I would love to meet someone who has “Loser” tattooed in Mandarin on an exposed bit of their body. 

There is a lady who frequents Eumundi who has “I love Nootsa” tattooed on the back of her neck.  She was blissfully unaware of the mistake until laughing friends pointed out that she should have written down what she wanted, rather than mispronounce “Noosa” to the tattooist.  The “t” has now been disguised with a little flower, but those of us who know the true story can’t help but chuckle every time we see her.

But I digress – and yes, if you were a Minion you would be champing at the bit to delete the previous two paragraphs.  But sucked in, cause you’re not.

So that was Collectorama for the year.  The next one isn’t until March 2015, so we shall continue at the Peregian Beach Market and Caloundra Street Fair on alternate Sunday mornings in the meantime.  We’re also thinking about a Saturday morning market at Yandina, and we’ll try that soon and see if we want to make it a regular outing.

Life at the Sunday morning markets has been so hot lately, and sales haven’t been significant for anyone.  We keep hearing about the boom in retail sales, but that isn’t what we’re living.  The antiques shop situated behind our Caloundra Street Fair stand opened seven months ago and has already asked us to buy them out, so they’re not feeling the love, either.  But we’re done with shops, unless they’re Pop Up shops.

Alcohol ad, c1953, $22
The hot weather has kept most of the Strange Ones away from the Markets, it seems, although we did have one at Caloundra recently.  

She was a much larger lady, heavily tattooed, wearing a hot pink singlet that was a little too tight, and with an unrestrained bosom she could have tucked into her belt.  She was looking at a French martini advertisement.  Do you enjoy the occasional aperitif? I asked. Wot? she said.

I pointed to the picture she was holding.  The Martini advertisement, I said, to indicate what I was talking about.  Wot? she said again.  And my mind went blank.  I literally didn’t know how to translate my sentence into Bogan. 

Finally I said Some French people like to have a pre-dinner drink, it’s called an aperitif.  I just like to drink, she said and shuffled off.  Nuff said.

Where are all our non-Bogan customers?  Turn up!  We’ll be at the Caloundra Street Fair again this coming Sunday, 30 November (being the 5th Sunday of the month).  Christmas is coming, non-Bogan customers! 

25 Oct 1919, $56

PS.  Are you reading this, Veronica Moran?  If so, would you mind emailing me at ddpalmen@yahoo.com.au?   

I am writing a couple of articles for some travel magazines on the Clignancourt and Porte de Vanves Markets, and I would love to get some quotes from you about what you thought about Porte de Vanves and what you bought.

And that goes for any reader who has visited either of these Markets and would like to be quoted in a magazine article – I’d love to have a cyber chat with you, so please email.