07 June 2012

Conspiracy Theories (and Dumb Questions) Abound

Not that I’m saying that we live in Nuttsville Central, but you’ve really got to wonder how some people function in the real world.  Maybe it’s because they live in their own happy parallel universe.

We encounter a lot of dumb questions in the shop, mostly relating to Calypso, but they’re just dumb questions rather than conspirary theories.  Most often asked:

Question:  Is that a cat?
Our Answer:  Not, it’s a special breed of fish.

Question:  Did she start off that colour?
Our Answer:  No, she started off purple.

Question:  Is this an antiques shop?
Our Answer:  No it’s a pet shop.

Our Statement:  She (Calypso) will be good shop security when she grows up – transgressors will be dragged off by the neck.
Alarmed response, while stepping back:  Ohhh, are you joking?

Yes people, that’s a joke.  And just to contextualize it, Calypso is all of 5kg at the moment and the only thing she can drag around by the neck is her favourite soft toy.

Question:  Is this real?
Our Answer:  No, it’s all in your imagination.

So okay the last question isn’t entirely stupid, because you might not know that you’re looking at an antique unless someone tells you.  And you also might not know to wear clean undies unless someone tells you to. 

As for the conspiracy theories, the three best we’ve had suggested lately are:

·        Climate change is happening because the Earth has moved on its axis 3.5 degrees and “they” aren’t telling anyone.  Nothing is happening with the tides and from our perspective on our hill, where we see the sun rise over the ocean every morning, it appears to be rising in the right location for this time of year.  But that’s because we’re not very observant, apparently.

·        You know those white trails you see behind aeroplanes on sunny days?  They’re actually called  ‘Chem Trails’ and they are releasing mind altering drugs intended to subdue and control the world’s population.  Every single Government in the world is in on this one, and they’re working together to keep us all under the thumb.  Turns out that North Korea and Iran and Afghanistan and America (not to forget our own Government) are bosom buddies after all, and are working together to oppress us.  Doug and I used to work in Government, with reasonably good access (like working for Front Bench Cabinet Ministers, regularly briefing the Prime Minister and Attorney-General, etc – all in another life), and we never once heard a hint of this practice.  But that’s because we were also being mind-controlled and oppressed, of course, like youse lot.

·        Did you know that all cats are Aliens?  Neither did I until some dude came into the shop and declared that the very fact that Klaatu had his name was the last piece of evidence he needed to convince him.  It’s true that Klaatu is named after the alien in 1950s science fiction movie The Day the Earth Stood Still – the original version, not the sucky Keanu Reeves remake – and that means that technically Artemis should have been called Gort.  But can you imagine the hysterics this man would have had if Artemis had actually been called Gort?  Just having a cat called Klaatu caused huge excitement and lots of Ha! I Knew I Was Right!  And did you know that squirrels are also Aliens?  And something else strange like hedgehogs, I think, but I was massively tuning out by then.

Can’t there be some type of test before people are allowed to vote?  Or have children?  I’ve been through a Psych test so I know I’m crazy.  But not as crazy as some, it seems.

On something shop-related (other than the visiting crazies), the ship with our latest consignment has now docked in Brisbane.  Hurrah!  We have just under a tonne of things to unpack, so it’s going to be good.  Now we have to do the biannual dance with Customs and Quarantine, but hopefully Unpack Day will happen within the next fortnight.  As usual, you’ll hear it first here.

Meanwhile my photography for the website has continued, slowly but we’re making some progress.  We will almost certainly go live next week and take it from there.  We will have a New In The Shop This Week page, where everything just photographed will be placed to begin with.  Soon, very soon.

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