21 December 2012

The Secret Relationship Between Shopping & Sex

New on the Website -
Hungarian Enamel Plate
As many women know, there is no secret – good shopping is waaay better!  Sorry chaps, but it’s now been scientifically proven that most women prefer a good shop over a good shag.  It was on the internet so it must be true.  But there’s hope!  Women so appreciate men who shop well that it significantly improves their intimate relationships.  So men, you need to be good shoppers and be seen to be good shoppers.  You can do it.  Practice!  Yes, you can. 
So, seeing how it’s Christmas and I’m feeling philanthropic, here are some handy shopping tips for men.  They are derived from my observations in the shop, as to what works and what so doesn’t when accompanying your partner shopping:
1.                Be interested in what she’s buying.  Okay, at least feign interest.  Convincingly.  We can all tell that lights-are-on-but-no-one's-home look, and being openly oblivious will gain you no brownie points.  And hey, you might be getting this as a gift, so pay attention.   Unless you really did want your shirts trimmed with that lovely French cotton lace she just bought.
New on the website - English Glass
Honey Pourer with Blue Bakelite Lid
2.    If you are asked for your opinion, have one.  In our shop we don’t sell clothes so there’s no chance of falling into the classic ‘does this make my bum look big’ trap.  You do know that’s a trick question, right?  So relax and say what you think.  As long as you agree with her - that goes without saying.  If it’s jewellery, it looks lovely.  If it’s a vase, it looks lovely.  If it’s a vintage copper cooking pot, it looks lovely.  See, that wasn’t so hard.

3.                Don’t whine about how long it’s taking.  Really, I might sic Calypso onto the next bloke who gets all ‘are you done yet’ while his partner is trying to enjoy herself.  Is this one small pleasure for her really worth so little to you?  That’s why you’re not getting any sex, matey.
4.  Don’t, under any circumstances, splutter and say ‘how much?’.  I might smack you across the back of the head myself if you do that, but that’s because you’re an idiot who doesn’t know a bargain when he sees one.  And then you’ll get another head smack from your partner for openly declaring that she’s not worth a trifling amount.  But while my head smack will be literal and will hurt (I promise), hers might be more a figural.  Like, you’re not getting any sex, matey.

Mischka hardly ever cooperates by
posing nicely for photos, but she's
today's Shop Manager so here she is.

These tips will help you understand, Grasshopper, at least part of the secret relationship between shopping and sex.  If you don’t do one well, you're less likely to do the other at all.  But apart from mastering these basic survival skills, what is guaranteed to work?   It’s simple, really.  Happy Wife, Happy Life is something most men would be well advised to have tattooed somewhere prominent. 

And I can tell you what has been working big time – romantic men, who have paid attention when their partner noted something she liked, and who snuck back later to buy it for her as a secret gift.  This is even more effective than buying it outright at the time.  Shows that you’ve paid attention (good), shown initiative (very good), and are a romantic devil who buys her lovely surprises (major sex).  Truly, I have spoken to many women in our shop about this issue, and my advice is iron clad, can’t fail, you’ll be so grateful you listened to me.

Klaatu & Caleb have become good mates, and indulge in Wrestlemania at every opportunity.
You need to be careful where you walk if you don't want to get caught up in the brawl
because they won't be distracted from their wrestles by anything except dinner.

In the shop, the new stock was released by Customs on Tuesday, Doug collected it on Tuesday and we had Unpack Day on Tuesday. Tuesday was a big day. And hurrah, it has been very well received and I’ve already had to unpack several additional boxes. The Night Markets went well last week, thank you everyone, so we’re staying open a bit later tonight as well, and we’ll see how things go on Saturday which is the main market day.

We’re taking a risk in having Caleb as the Shop Manager on Saturday, which we expect to be really busy and he generates a crowd just by himself. Past experience has shown that Busy Day + Caleb as Manager = Mayhem in the Shop. But Polly the Poodle, mentioned the Blog before last, apparently had such a good time with him that she dragged her owner into the shop last Saturday for another play. But oh dear, it was Calypso in the chair last Saturday, and she is less sanguine about dogs than Caleb. So after getting the Bengal death stare Polly wisely kept her distance, and I promised to bring Caleb in on this coming Saturday for a play date with Polly. I'll try to get photos.

I shan’t Blog again before Christmas, so have a happy one, a leisurely one, a delicious one, and we shall reconvene soon.

Klaatu still has the size and weight advantage, but he's very patient with the Littlest Ratbag
and lets himself be put in headlocks all the time.  Caleb is growing like topsey, though, and
he won't be the littlest one for much longer.

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